Almost there...

I had my colonoscopy today. I've been doing well as far as the UC goes for the past week and a half. I've been on 60mg of prednisone and that has helped tremendously coming from 40mg. Anyway, the gastro expected to see much worse and was pleasantly surprised. He said they're hesitant to take out such a good looking colon except that he knows that its only looking so good because of the prednisone which every time I taper from, the diarrhea increases, pain increases, and bleeding starts. My mom got all encouraged thinking I would want to cancel the surgery because of the good news but she just doesn't understand I guess. I've been tortured by my colon for almost 2 years now and I'm ready to get my life back! There is no way I'm going back on this decision now.

I have completed Microbiology yesterday and made an *A*! What an accomplishment for me to do that being sick! I am so proud! Tomorrow is my last day of school until I go back from the surgery. I have two midterms first thing in the morning and I'm really nervous about them. I'm so obsessive about my grades - its unreal. It's just really important to me that I get into the nursing program! I feel confident that I will - but scared and nervous until I know for sure! Something things happen and I'm trying to do everything in my power to hold onto my grades so that I get in. They send out letters the second week of June so that's my next countdown! I just can't wait for midterms to be over tomorrow... Then surgery is on Thursday and I can finally stop worrying about school for a week and recover! I am so excited about the life my future holds without a crappy colon in my way and the accomplishments I'll be able to make! Wish me luck!

As far as living with UC goes, today was one of those days I am very thankful for. My husband had a doctor's appointment in Atlanta so that meant a two hour car ride. Long car rides can be a scary thing! I took lots of Lomotil and made it through the day! We even got to make a trip to the Lenox mall to window shop. It was nice to spend the day together.

I have a couple of things on my mind. I'm worried about putting all my ducks in one basket as far as nursing school goes. I'm pretty confident that I'll get in at CSU but I think I'm going to spend some time tomorrow applying at other schools as a backup plan.

I'm really looking forward to surgery and all that life will offer for me afterwards! I even found a few job postings at St Francis that I'm thinking about applying for! We'll see!

Prednisone

I seriously need to vent right now. I feel completely insane! I'm on 40mg of prednisone right now and I'm shaking and STARVING and angry and I just want to complain over nothing! I hate this drug! But at the same time, it really does help with the UC. It makes me so very mean. I'm so thankful I'm home alone right now because nobody deserves to be around me at this moment. I just took a Xanax so I should be calming down shortly. The thing about having to take those is that they make me worthless too. I get so tired and just feel blah from them. Did I mention I want to eat EVERYTHING??? The urge is SO strong!! Let me just remind myself again 23 more days of this and I won't need prednisone anymore!!! Why does 23 days seem like an eternity right now? I suppose it's not.... I was just saying 40 days at what seems like only a week ago. And here's the xanax... now I feel nothing except that I'm still hungry. I miss the euphoric effect of prednisone. That comes around sometimes and the world just looks so beautiful and everything in it is perfect. And then there are the times when I feel like I hate everyone and everything. Drugs... I swear; they're just so bad! Let me remind myself again (23 days, 23 days, 23 days...). I guess I'm a little in disbelief. I've been on this stuff for a year and a half now! I've done so many things I'm not proud of out of prednisone mania. I plan to discuss one of those things in a blog one day... it deserves its very own title and everything! Well the Xanax has me in a complete zoned fog now so I guess I have nothing else to say right now.

I can't help but be just a little sad....

I awoke this morning to the normal burning pain in my stomach, took my medicine, and headed outside for the dogs' morning potty break. It is really gorgeous outside today! It's the nicest day I've seen this year! I'm just a little sad because I would LOVE to go for a walk with the dogs on a distance of more than 20ft! But I just can't go out that far unless I can somehow take my bathroom with me! It sucks :( I suppose I'll have to settle for enjoying the front porch for now. The countdown is at 25 days now until I have my surgery to get rid of my piece of crap colon! After that, maybe we can have our walk :)

Gratitude for a good day

I can't complain about the day I've had today. The stabbing pains are back in my abdomin right now but they just began within the past hour. I got to spend the day at home with my husband and puppies and my parents even stopped by for a visit. I also got quite a bit of cleaning done as well as studying for microbiology. I have found that I am a much more productive person when my home is clean and I can relax without having to think about what I should be doing.

My beloved family

I couldn't let this blog go on for one more minute without introducing the world to the "people" who mean the most to me!

On the left is our newest addition, Emma Grace Ottman. She was born on Oct 17, 2007 and we adopted her on Dec 2, 2007. She is a true priss. She loves to play with her stuffed animal toys and pull out all the stuffing. She loves to eat too! She loves going outside but won't put a single paw in the grass if its wet or cold. She tolerates getting her hair brushed but isnt too fond of baths - not yet anyway.

On the right is Scooter Bug Ottman. He was born on August 2, 2003. I adopted him before I married Justin and he has been my best little buddy ever since. We are very close. He loves his mommy more than anything in the world! I don't go anywhere in our home without Scooter right on my tail - even the bathroom! He is the sweetest dog ever to exist. He has a very sensitive personality and even a strong tone will make him tuck his tail. He was VERY jealous and has hurt feelings when we brought Emma home. It took him a good 8 months to be hiself again and he still looks a little sad when he sees his mommy cuddling Emma. He'll always be mommy's first though :)

How much can a person take

I'm in so much physical pain right now. Its fumming from my lower abdominal area as if someone were burning me from the insides. I suppose that's how it is supposed to feel when one has bleeding ulcers in her intestines. But along with this physical pain is an emotional pain. It has nearly been two years of this sickness for me. I feel an overwhelming indebtedness to my family. My mother and husband have been there for me every single step of the way and I feel like such an incredible inconvenience. All the times we couldn't go places because I was too sick or the days they spent with me in the hospital or going to get me medicine or not being able to eat at certain places - all because of me. And not only that, but my attitude has been awful. Being on steroids for the treatment makes me go from one extreme to the other like a crazy person and its always my family that gets the worst of the mood swings. I feel awful. My heart hurts from what I've put them through. In addition to that, I feel emotionally all over the place because I can't control my own body. On monday, I got out of class, got in my car, and wasn't able to make it to the bathroom. This happens all the time! There is absolutely nothing I can do. Sometimes I have a couple minutes and sometimes I have 10 seconds to get to the bathroom. It was incredibly painful too. And of course, every light was red and cars were everywhere and I was just praying to somehow just get home and to the shower. If I had known that all the medications wouldn't help and that this is where I would be today, I would have had my large intestine removed when I was diagnosed. But the prognosis of patients with ulcerative colitis varies so greatly.... I have a friend who was diagnosed with crohn's disease in the past year and she has taken the exact medications that I have and now she's doing great. She's living and enjoying her life. Yet, I'm on 40mg of prednisone, immunosuppresents, 5-asa anti-inflammatories, and then all the drugs I need to counteract the negative effects of those like blood pressure, anti-anxiety, pain medicine, sleeping pills, etc ($14,000 bi monthly before insurance worth of drugs) and I'm still at this low level of function. I don't have a "poor me" or "why me" attitude about all of this because I know we must all have trials and battles and things to overcome in life in order to feel successful but gosh this is just one of the worst things I've had to deal with so far. I wish there was more information available about the cause of this disease because my husband and I are planning to start a family when I graduate in two years and I would never want to pass this disease on to another person. My surgeon did mention that I may not even be able to get pregnant. That thought breaks my heart. I've never been a huge kid person but I always knew I would have kids of my own. The thought that I may not be able to because of this hurts. I know that is the last thing I should be worrying about at this moment so I'm not going to let it bother me now. My focus now has to be getting through the next 27 days of 3 day a week classes. That is my biggest challenge right now is actually being able to leave my house, drive to school, and sit through classes never knowing when I might get sick. I missed a class on Wednesday morning and still feel so bad about it. I try to explain the situation to my teachers but I know they don't know me from Adam and every word could be a lie and I'm sure they hear more excuses that anyone so why should I be any different? The thing is I'm not one of those students who just doesn't show up for class. I try so hard and feel so bad when I let people down.

Newlywedded laundry

I've been married for 6 months and it has been a pure delight with the exception of a couple of things. I thought I might share a few of the things I've experienced and some of the solutions I've managed to come up with.

My husband is by far NOT the neatest person. I am constantly picking up after him. He likes to leave food bowls in the living room, clothes on the bathroom floor (or wherever he happens to take them off) shoes in random places, etc.

We lived together for a year and a half before we got married and during that time, I managed to "train" him to put down the toilet seat! yay! He still has the occassional slip up and forgets but for the most part, he's toilet trained! haha.

The biggest problem I have now is laundry. I'd ask him to help, but from previous experience, he just "doesn't do it right." So, I'd rather just do it myself. Well, I would get so frustrated and overwhelmed because I hate laundry so much that it would just pile up higher and higher and be this unmanageable mound. My solution to this is very small loads on a daily or every other day basis. I would MUCH rather spend 10 minutes putting away a small load of laundry than HOURS doing several loads and wasting a whole day. It seems like such a simple solution and I don't know why it took me so long to master it but wow what a difference it makes!

A summary of my last two years

As an assignment for a technology class I am taking, I'm required to post a blog. I've decided to start by simply telling you a little about myself.

I returned to school two years ago after trying out the work force for four years with Aflac. Ultimately, I wasn't where I wanted to be and it took the four years for me to figure out exactly where it was that I did want to be - nursing. So, I left my 40k a year job as a lead specialist to dive into living under student loan debt on an endeavor to get a degree in nursing.

Two weeks after quitting my job, I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis - a major digestive disorder that is incurable without removing the entire colon. I've spent the past year and a half on aggressive drug therapy trying to get the disease into remission, unsuccessfully. I've had many hospital stays and some days I can't even get out of bed because the pain is so bad. I've finally decided that surgery is the only option left for me and it is scheduled to happen in less than 30 days. I'm extremely nervous yet, excited about the possibility of getting my quality of life back.

This about sums up the most recent major events in my life and kind of gives anyone who doesn't know me an idea of what I'm all about.

L. Renaye Ottman